issue 007:
It’s Giving Sadie Hawkins!…
Should women Court men?
I’m a 90’s kid, so I have nostalgic memories of the pre-teen sitcoms (Family Matters, Saved by the Bell, I could go on) depicting “Sadie Hawkins” themed dances. You remember, right!? In honor of the 1930’s comic strip by Al Capp, gender roles were reversed and girls had to ask guys to be their date. Back then it was absolutely a one off. But, fast forward a decade or two, or three, and it seems us millennials have made a norm of challenging stereotypical gender roles- some of them at least. While Black women have broken color barriers and glass ceilings, we have yet to truly challenge the idea that men are responsible for initiating, driving, and funding “courting”. Well ladies, sorry not sorry in advance for this one, but, of course in true millennial fashion, I challenge the idea that courting should be left to men. Now, to be clear: I’m not suggesting that women should go all Lady Liberty and completely carry the torch. I am suggesting, though, that women should assume some responsibility. So in Issa by way of Wale-ish words: ‘Sue me I’m rooting for everybody to cut men some slack’.
Sorry not sorry for this second (potentially unpopular) opinion, but I believe that Black popular culture and social media play a huge role in shaping and influencing unrealistic beliefs on dating, relationships, and our roles and expectations within them. Would it be nice to be consistently flewed out, wined and dined, bills paid, and showered with shopping sprees without any expectation of reciprocity!? Of course! But the reality is, it’s not the real dating experience of many, or the real dating experience most men are able to provide. Are there exceptions to this rule!? Again, of course! But, the fact and the matter is, Black men are literally outnumbered by Black women, and that’s assuming they only date Black women. If they’re equal opportunity employers, their options only increase. So unless we’re all planning to compete for the small percentage of Black men who make enough money to offer said lifestyle, then it’s probably best for some of us to come back Earthside and stay for a while. Now, we all have standards and expectations that we’re entitled to have. So if footloose and fancy-free dating is where you are on your journey- go off, sis! For those of us looking for partnership, the assumption that men are “supposed” to do all the giving and providing with little in return (because beauty, bawdies, and sex for outnumbered men comes a dime a dozen) is a beautiful illusion. So with that said, it begs the question: What else are you willing to bring to the table?
As Black women are leveling and surpassing men on the earning playing field, solely providing financially becomes a less valuable bargaining chip. Balancing out the give and take of partnership with emotional awareness, transparency, [insert other qualities], becomes additionally, if not more valuable. Traditionally, and still in some ways, Black men are socialized to equate emotion with weakness, hindering their willingness to be open and honest about their thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs. Dismantling these harmful beliefs by challenging the cultural status quo and actively and openly prioritizing our mental and emotional health, creates more safe spaces to understand what Black men value when looking for partners. With that, it’s only right to honor those wants and needs by sharing some of the responsibility of “courting”. So whether that’s picking up the tab every now and then or planning a date, consider channeling some of that Sadie Hawkins energy!