Issue 005:

How Soon is too Soon to ask…

“What are we!??”

   If the “What are we?” question was a movie scene, I imagine it being the age-old montage of a couple arguing (or atypically disagreeing at the least), and then the next scene rewinds to all of their previous moments of bliss.  You know… walks in the park, fun nights out, bomb ass sex.  Like I said, bliss.  Then it quickly cuts back to the present moment of awkward discomfort.  If you’re the person asking that question, then you’re hoping it will lead to the desired result.  If you’re the person receiving that question, you’re likely hoping there will be no result, because then everything stays the same.  If as we grow, we become more adept at handling, navigating, and communicating change, then why do we have such a hard time with this question!?  

     One of my theories is:  we all, at some point, struggle to set and maintain boundaries with people, especially depending on their position in our lives.  And this question, in my opinion, is one of those. One of those questions that results in two people navigating within a new set of boundaries- a.k.a. Change.  So when we ask a person we’re dating, “What are we?”,  we’re really asking:  What are the boundaries of our relationship? Which is a perfectly fine question until you get to:  How soon is too soon?  How soon is too soon to either want to change, or clarify the boundaries of the relationship?  

     I guess the better question is:  How can you quantify “too soon”?.  The answer is you can’t.  But we can definitely qualify it.  What it looks like.  What it feels like.  This is clearly another one of those “different strokes for different folks” type of situations.  But the bottom line is, at some point, whether within weeks or months, you reach a point where someone needs to (or wants to) set boundaries- or clarify them anyway.  

     Now we’re back in the present moment of our movie scene where two people are clearly at a crossroads.  The optimistic person in me always wants to believe the following scenes will be the ones depicting two people coming to a point of understanding and agreement about what the other wants and needs.  And then everything’s happily ever after.  An equal reality, though, are the following scenes depicting two people coming to a point of dissonance, where  the reality sets in that all the moments leading up to that point had different meaning for the other.  The reality that two people can have the exact same experience, and yet experience it… differently.

     Some might say, if you need to ask, then you have your answer.  While this may very well be true, I’m a firm believer in asking any and all questions you want the answers to, especially of a person(s) you’re sharing your time, space, energy, and in most cases, your body.  In my experience, it was the unwillingness to answer the question openly and honestly that received a red flag on the play.  Which for me, signaled a fear of how their response would affect the existing dynamics.  The problem with this approach, however, is two- fold.  The first problem:  You rob a person of their agency to decide for themselves what happens next- good, bad, indifferent. Second problem: It becomes clear that self-interest trumps the need for clarity, understanding, and open communication.  

     Ok, fine.  I get it!  As people we struggle with change, and more often than not, consciously and/or subconsciously struggle with the fear of the unknown. You find yourself in a new situation where everything is still light, fun, easy, and free-flowing.  No expectations, no rules- just vibes.  And don’t we love the vibes, especially the good ones when you’re enjoying and exploring someone new.   Then…incoming!  The “question” comes at you fast and hot like a big ass meteor headed toward your Earth.  Will it just miss or hit!? Will there be casualties? What will hang in the balance?

    Seriously, though.  Doomsday scenario aside.  Can we normalize this not being a dreaded question?  Can we normalize approaching this conversation with respect and honesty?  Can we normalize accepting that inevitably, even slightly, something new and different will result? 

    I’ve reached a place in my life where open and honest communication is a must!  I’ve also reached a point in my life where I’m working on no longer operating in fear!  Whether we recognize it or not, fear, in its varying forms, prevents us from doing wayyyy too many things.  It prevents us from asking the unanswered, or even taking the leap.  This season is about living and standing in my truth and being unafraid of what that means, looks like, or feels like.  So if asking “What are we?” negatively affects any situation I’m in, clearly it wasn’t the situation for me. So with that, only intentional applicants willing to be honest about their wants/ needs apply.  

Thanks, management!