5 Lessons Learned On How To…
Use Your Break Up to Fuel Your Glow Up
Let’s face it… break ups (no matter the reason) SUCK! Whether your decision, their decision, or mutual; disconnecting from a person is difficult, especially one that held a significant place in your life. You know, the person you spoke to everyday, likely throughout the day; shared good times and bad; shared hopes, fears, dreams, and goals; the person who was your ace, your partner in crime, your hype/ cut man (or woman) waiting for you in the corner after a day in the boxing ring of life! Losing the person that personifies that comfort and security is hard af, but sometimes necessary af!
So what do you do when you find yourself without that special someone!?
1. Let it Burn... But Don’t Let it Scar
Usher said it best…”Let it burnnnn.” I’ve learned that it’s so important to allow yourself to feel all the feels (and articulate them) when tough things happen, especially matters of the heart! Let yourself go from pissed off to still in love in a New York minute. Let yourself go on a rant about all the things you couldn’t stand, but will regrettably miss. Let yourself shed the real, or proverbial tears (for you “gotta make the song cry” types). Allowing yourself to go through the motions and emotions is oh so necessary- not just for closure and stitching up those wounds, but for your mental health, and emotional and spiritual healing.
The key takeaway here: All burns don’t have to leave a scar!
While you may be angry, hurt, upset, sad, relieved, or a combination of all and more, the experience doesn’t have to be a constant reminder of how a situation you had higher hopes for came to an end. It also doesn’t have to set a jaded foundation for what, hopefully, lies ahead. Take the lessons and leave the rest! Why!? You don’t want to ruin the right thing, because you couldn’t let go of the wrong one. Easier said than done- I know! But our future selves will be thanking us for doing the hard work NOW.
2. You’ve Got to Cut It
Before my breakup experience, I can’t say that I would genuinely give this advice, but “never say never” as they say. Probably one of the most unexpectedly helpful parts of the process for me was cutting ties- stopping unnecessary calls and texts, even unfollowing or muting on social media. I’ll be completely honest and tell you this didn’t happen immediately; and was more so imposed than voluntarily chosen, BUT, I found that it was for the best!
In order to begin the separation and healing process, it’s so important to cut the things that provide comfort and familiarity. It really helped me to completely disconnect and learn to navigate a new world. Let’s face it: If the point of breaking up is to end the relationship, then maintaining a relationship- even slightly- is defeating the purpose, don’t you think!? Now, obviously there are many caveats to this: mutual friends/ family, children, money, assets, etc., but the point is…it’s time for a trim, so find your scissors and snip, snip where it’s needed most.
The key takeaway here: Ripping the bandaid helps your wound(s) get some much needed air!
Creating and taking the space you need is a MUST. Whether for a few weeks, a few months, or altogether. Cutting ties in some way, shape, or form, is an important step in the process of adjusting to a new normal. And if you haven’t been able to do this yet (or don’t think you’ll do it at all), that’s OK too. The beauty of processes like this- they look different for everyone!
3. Take the Time to Realign
I don’t know about y’all, but there’s nothing like being in love. It’s one of life’s joys IMO. When your life aligns with someone else’s, for a short or long period of time, you naturally intertwine so many things- schedules, habits, likes, dislikes, even phrases and sayings. When you’re in a relationship, especially a long term one, it’s so easy to get caught up in each others’ worlds of juggling work, play, and plans for QT. We didn’t even scratch the surface for all you parents out there (LAWD! Y'all the real MVP’s). When we untangle those webs, it’s the perfect time to realign- to do a personal inventory. “Life After Breakup” (get it- like “Life After Lock-Up” lol) is also to be lived, but this time the focus is YOU. Reconnect, rediscover, and redefine what every aspect of life looks like for you in this new season. It may look very similar, or drastically different, but whatever it looks like, take the time to embrace the old and new versions of yourself.
The key takeaway here: Reclaim your time!
Yep, just like Auntie Maxine said. The gift and curse of relationships is, more often than not, you voluntarily decide to put someone else’s wants and needs at the top of your list, and in some cases above your own. Now that you don’t have to do that anymore, cherish and revel in the fact that most, if not all, of your time and energy is now all your own. All your own to relearn, reimagine, and continue being and becoming your best self.
4. Tune In to Your Intuition
It wasn’t until after my relationship ended that I started to reflect and recollect the times my inner self (we all have different names for that voice in our heads) tried to warn me things weren’t right. Anytime thoughts like that rose to the surface, I pushed them back down, and rationalized them away with conscious thoughts like: “But, we’re in love.”, “Things are going pretty well.”, “We have a good time together.”, “We hardly argue or have issues.” , “But, we want to get married and have kids.” You name it, I excused it. After things ended, I realized that my body knew way before I was willing to accept that my relationship was not the kind I needed, or deserved. In those fresh post-breakup moments, I also realized that instead of seeing my relationship for what it actually was, I was seeing it for what I wanted it to be.
To this day, I’m still not sure what propelled me to really see what had been in front of me easily a year before. It was almost like a switch flipped and the lightbulb in my brain turned on. My conscious finally caught up with my subconscious, and once that happened, unfortunately, I knew there was no turning back. It was only a matter of time. I could no longer pretend to not recognize the current and past signs my subconscious, or my intuition, tried to warn me about!
The key takeaway here: Listen to your intuition!
Our bodies often know before we do what it needs, we just have to tune in and be ready and willing to take heed. How many times have you gone against your thoughts to do or say something, and you later think to yourself, “Damn, I should have listened to myself in the first place!”. Sometimes the consequences of not listening to ourselves is small, but sometimes, like in relationships and matters of the heart, the costs are great!
Use your solo time to hone in, turn up the volume on your inner voice, and build the trust in yourself! It’s not always easy, but betting and choosing yourself will never be the wrong answer. If YOU won’t choose you, then WHO will!?
5. Get Your Shine On
First off, let’s talk about how Chamillionaire’s “Turn it Up” song kept ringing in my head when I thought of the title for this last piece. Y’all remember? “Imma show you how to get your shine on.” “Turn it up the DJ playin’ my song.” Don’t ask. Plus, if you weren’t in your late teens early twenties when this song came out, you might not understand (and that’s OK lol). The point is… for me the song brings back nostalgic memories of tracks they would bump in the club that had you feeling like your shit don’t stink! You know, the one that gets everybody’s heads bobbing, and everyone literally knows the lyrics word for word!
I say all this to say, let this phase (however long it lasts for you) be exactly that! Use this as a time where you literally get your shine on! Use this as a time to go even harder to reach those personal and professional goals you have on the list. Do you have a business you’ve wanted to start? A creative passion you’ve wanted to pursue? A fitness benchmark you’ve wanted to reach? Whatever the change- make it! While ending a relationship is most definitely difficult, cherish the fact that you’re still standing, still capable, and still worthy!
The key takeaway here: Unapologetically do YOU!
This is your time to water the grass where you are, and step into the light- your light! Recently, I’ve felt this shift in my energy, a lightness, and a drive that I don’t recall having before. Maybe it’s the ringing of once casted doubt, or the increase in desire outrunning my fears. Whatever that may be for you, grab it, hold on to it, and use it. Use it to propel you, guide you, and thrust you toward the greatness that was always there, but was being weighed down by a person and a relationship that wasn’t meant to grow OR go with you.